some days are stone.
This week, I feel like I've been run through the wringer on the repeat cycle. I've never had the flu and let me tell you this has been a doozy! Me, the person who never vomits made a spectacle of myself in front of all the doctors and nurses at my clinic; they had to get a wheelchair and everything. My doctor actually called me personally later that day to see if I was feeling any better. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who saw how sick I was, insisted I visit the doctor and took off work to care for the kids and me for two days! How lucky can a girl get?
Bottom line is I'm still a care giver. While I may not be there in person while I'm sick, I'm still in touch by phone listening and trying to help. Well this morning it all went in the toilet. This morning I said the wrong words and my mother cried. She cried because she thought I had said words against her. She cried because I told her I'd never say those things. She cried because I said I was going to go and we could talk later because things were digressing. She sounded so frail and small...then she hung up on me. There was nothing I could do except break down and cry. I feel like a failure.
When you see that newsclip about the mom who drove her van in the ocean or closed the garage and started the car with her babies inside...don't judge her. You have no idea how much weight she is carrying. You have no idea if she tried to reach out and was ignored or made fun of. You have no idea if she felt she had to hide it to be strong for the world. The hopelessness, the fear, the feeling that everyone and everything is depending on you is terrifying.