Thursday, March 6, 2014

Some days are diamonds...

some days are stone.

This week, I feel like I've been run through the wringer on the repeat cycle.  I've never had the flu and let me tell you this has been a doozy!  Me, the person who never vomits made a spectacle of myself in front of all the doctors and nurses at my clinic; they had to get a wheelchair and everything.  My doctor actually called me personally later that day to see if I was feeling any better.  Thankfully I have an amazing husband who saw how sick I was, insisted I visit the doctor and took off work to care for the kids and me for two days!  How lucky can a girl get?

Bottom line is I'm still a care giver.  While I may not be there in person while I'm sick, I'm still in touch by phone listening and trying to help.  Well this morning it all went in the toilet.  This morning I said the wrong words and my mother cried.  She cried because she thought I had said words against her.  She cried because I told her I'd never say those things.  She cried because I said I was going to go and we could talk later because things were digressing.  She sounded so frail and small...then she hung up on me.  There was nothing I could do except break down and cry.  I feel like a failure. 

When you see that newsclip about the mom who drove her van in the ocean or closed the garage and started the car with her babies inside...don't judge her.  You have no idea how much weight she is carrying.  You have no idea if she tried to reach out and was ignored or made fun of.  You have no idea if she felt she had to hide it to be strong for the world.  The hopelessness, the fear, the feeling that everyone and everything is depending on you is terrifying.

We need help.  

We are not invincible.  

We are not almighty.

I'm so crazy blessed and thankful first and foremost to have a husband who is my rock.  I know I can cling to him and he will shelter me from the world.  I'm so crazy blessed to have friends, ones who text me when I'm worried about my College Girl...ones who drop surprises on my porch when I'm sick...ones who drop cards in the mail offering words of encouragement...ones who see the struggle and take my kids for a day but sometimes, sometimes I still feel alone.  Because it's not okay to admit I need help, it's not okay to admit sometimes I think I've bitten off w-a-a-ay more than I can chew, it's just not okay.

My plea to you today is reach out to a mom you know.  Reach out to that friend with kids and offer a hand.  No, don't just offer just DO IT!  We'll turn down help every time you offer.  We'll deny that we're swamped and feeling like we'll collapse.  We'll deny that another straw on our plate will cause our world to disintegrate.  So just call us up and say, let me take the kids tomorrow...go visit with our parents for a bit...take our kids on a sleepover so it can just be a night for us as a couple...drop us a note in the mail that you're thinking of us...leave a bar of chocolate on our doorstep.  But don't ignore us.  Don't look at us with those eyes.  Because today is a stone for me, I'm asking for help but will the next person?

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