Grape Koolaid and animal crackers at vacation bible school in the 70's, an angel costume fashioned
There's a fresh clean notebook on my headboard now because deciphering this was not easy but somehow my heart knew. It's been a frequent doubt, concern, frustration....that nagging feeling that festers and continues to create a discord for me spiritually. My gibberish notes reflected a conversation from a couple of weeks ago in the car with my parents, we were talking about a lifelong family friend who recently passed from brain cancer. My Mom said, "we can't understand why God called her home..." Janet was there with my parents in their bedroom when I was born, she babysat us and even though we weren't really related her family always has been "family" to us. She was diagnosed with brain cancer a few years ago, we've all been praying-for healing, for a miracle, for her life to be spared.
I read and watched the Shack, I get free will. I understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people but still I can't help but wonder do I not believe enough, do I lack something? This is my struggle with my faith-am I the only one? God, the almighty, omnipotent, created the world, sent his son to live as man...do I not pray enough, earnestly enough, is my faith lacking? God can heal. I believe this will all my being. I don't believe in "miracles," I believe in God's ability to be divine. If eternal life with God is the ultimate then why do we pray for healing? Is it just a selfish desire to have our loved one here with us longer? Why are some healed while others fight, suffer and die? Am I not a good enough christian because I have these doubts and questions????
I sent my draft to my minister...he responded and I feel so much better now!!! He reminded me that even though it often seems that faith comes easier for others that what we see is their "public presentation. Even those who are confident and certain have doubts and questions but they may feel they can't be honest about what they're feeling or thinking. From now on I'm going to heed his advice and see my identifying with Thomas as an asset! Thanks Heath.